sensitive research - b 1969

[garstonite]

Hi - b 1969 - knows mothers name - fathers name - real name ..was adopted .....has met mum and 3 step siblings - wants to meet dad ....has been told that dad doesn`t know she exists...but at age 45 ,she wants to meet her dad ...
any advice welcome - been talking about this for 6 hours ( she has been on hen party and has just talked openly )
anyone with any experience of this - I would welcome any advice ....going for a sleep now because we have talked about this all night ....I am like a dad to this girl (even though she is 45 ) and would like to help - but - need advice ....cheers
allan....be back about 2 pm ....

[Olde Crone]

Allan

I am always the voice of doom in these matters.

Does she know where he lives? Does she know his current circumstances? (Is he married, does he have more children?). What does she hope to get from this meeting? Eternal fatherly love or just a good look at him?

My advice would be...proceed very very slowly. Use an intermediary. Make initial very bland contact by letter NOT by phone or in person. If you upset his current applecart he isn't going to be in the mood to embrace a daughter he never knew he had.

Is your friend ready for complete rejection? How will she feel about that? Who will help her get over that?

As I said, I am the voice of doom but I have seen so many reunions go wrong. It isn't all like you see on LLF. Not saying don't do it, just saying, go very very slowly and stop and consider every step before you take it.

OC

[HarrysMum]

I'm with OC.

Is there a group who do this sort of thing in England. The Salvation Army family tracing service do it here. It's a very cheap rate as well....about $100 from memory and they make first contact and counsel each party, etc.

It's not something I would do, but you have to decide for yourself. It can be a real minefield, and if this girl is close to you, getting it wrong could well spoil that relationship as well.

Good luck.

Alan, Caution Caution Caution .. like walking through a minefield .. your friend needs professional guidance .. it could be a fairy story, but it could be a nightmare. If he has other children they could see her as a threat .. Father however may not have happy memories of her mother, or possibly worse, not even remember her, if he was having a lot of one night stands. He also could have been married and may still be to the same person and he might completely deny her, Especially as mother says that he didn't know about her. Wanting to know her birth parents is natural, but it may come at a big price. Julie

[Olde Crone]

Libby

In the UK, the Salvation Army will not help with reunions unless the parents were married to each other, or at least the father was named on the birth cert.

This is not from some high moral standpoint, it is because, as they say, there are too many imponderables in this sort of situation AND there are already many professional agencies dedicated to dealing with adoption etc.

The most recent "professional agency" intervention that I know about went disastrously wrong and I feel that a good sensible friend could have done much better and at far less cost, both financially and emotionally.

OC

[Margaret in Burton]

This article is a story of rejection.





http://www.dailymail.co.uk/home/you/...ted-twice.html

Originally Posted by HarrysMum

I'm with OC.

Is there a group who do this sort of thing in England. The Salvation Army family tracing service do it here. It's a very cheap rate as well....about $100 from memory and they make first contact and counsel each party, etc.

It's not something I would do, but you have to decide for yourself. It can be a real minefield, and if this girl is close to you, getting it wrong could well spoil that relationship as well.

Good luck.

I don't think the Salvation Army will get involved with this type of search.

As far as I'm aware they will only look for relatives that are missing that are aware of each other, they won't touch illegitimate children looking for fathers, mothers or siblings and also won't get involved with adoption cases.

I could be wrong they may have changed policy in the last 20 years.

Originally Posted by Olde Crone

Libby

In the UK, the Salvation Army will not help with reunions unless the parents were married to each other, or at least the father was named on the birth cert.

This is not from some high moral standpoint, it is because, as they say, there are too many imponderables in this sort of situation AND there are already many professional agencies dedicated to dealing with adoption etc.

The most recent "professional agency" intervention that I know about went disastrously wrong and I feel that a good sensible friend could have done much better and at far less cost, both financially and emotionally.

OC

They won't get involved even if the father is named on Birth Certificate either.

By the way Alan this isn't posted in Sensitive Research forum it's in Research Questions you might want to get this moved.

[HarrysMum]

Ah okay....very different from the Salvos here then. I have seen their results here with friends a few times and they are very good.

That's a pity you have no good agency there.

In that case......good luck again, Allan.