sensitive research - b 1969

[garstonite]

Hi - b 1969 - knows mothers name - fathers name - real name ..was adopted .....has met mum and 3 step siblings - wants to meet dad ....has been told that dad doesn`t know she exists...but at age 45 ,she wants to meet her dad ...
any advice welcome - been talking about this for 6 hours ( she has been on hen party and has just talked openly )
anyone with any experience of this - I would welcome any advice ....going for a sleep now because we have talked about this all night ....I am like a dad to this girl (even though she is 45 ) and would like to help - but - need advice ....cheers
allan....be back about 2 pm ....

[Olde Crone]

Allan

I am always the voice of doom in these matters.

Does she know where he lives? Does she know his current circumstances? (Is he married, does he have more children?). What does she hope to get from this meeting? Eternal fatherly love or just a good look at him?

My advice would be...proceed very very slowly. Use an intermediary. Make initial very bland contact by letter NOT by phone or in person. If you upset his current applecart he isn't going to be in the mood to embrace a daughter he never knew he had.

Is your friend ready for complete rejection? How will she feel about that? Who will help her get over that?

As I said, I am the voice of doom but I have seen so many reunions go wrong. It isn't all like you see on LLF. Not saying don't do it, just saying, go very very slowly and stop and consider every step before you take it.

OC

[HarrysMum]

I'm with OC.

Is there a group who do this sort of thing in England. The Salvation Army family tracing service do it here. It's a very cheap rate as well....about $100 from memory and they make first contact and counsel each party, etc.

It's not something I would do, but you have to decide for yourself. It can be a real minefield, and if this girl is close to you, getting it wrong could well spoil that relationship as well.

Good luck.

[tenterfieldjulie]

Alan, Caution Caution Caution .. like walking through a minefield .. your friend needs professional guidance .. it could be a fairy story, but it could be a nightmare. If he has other children they could see her as a threat .. Father however may not have happy memories of her mother, or possibly worse, not even remember her, if he was having a lot of one night stands. He also could have been married and may still be to the same person and he might completely deny her, Especially as mother says that he didn't know about her. Wanting to know her birth parents is natural, but it may come at a big price. Julie

[Olde Crone]

Libby

In the UK, the Salvation Army will not help with reunions unless the parents were married to each other, or at least the father was named on the birth cert.

This is not from some high moral standpoint, it is because, as they say, there are too many imponderables in this sort of situation AND there are already many professional agencies dedicated to dealing with adoption etc.

The most recent "professional agency" intervention that I know about went disastrously wrong and I feel that a good sensible friend could have done much better and at far less cost, both financially and emotionally.

OC

[Margaret in Burton]

This article is a story of rejection.





http://www.dailymail.co.uk/home/you/article-2762132/My-mother-rejected-twice.html

[maggie_4_7]

I'm with OC.

Is there a group who do this sort of thing in England. The Salvation Army family tracing service do it here. It's a very cheap rate as well....about $100 from memory and they make first contact and counsel each party, etc.

It's not something I would do, but you have to decide for yourself. It can be a real minefield, and if this girl is close to you, getting it wrong could well spoil that relationship as well.

Good luck.

I don't think the Salvation Army will get involved with this type of search.

As far as I'm aware they will only look for relatives that are missing that are aware of each other, they won't touch illegitimate children looking for fathers, mothers or siblings and also won't get involved with adoption cases.

I could be wrong they may have changed policy in the last 20 years.

[maggie_4_7]

Libby

In the UK, the Salvation Army will not help with reunions unless the parents were married to each other, or at least the father was named on the birth cert.

This is not from some high moral standpoint, it is because, as they say, there are too many imponderables in this sort of situation AND there are already many professional agencies dedicated to dealing with adoption etc.

The most recent "professional agency" intervention that I know about went disastrously wrong and I feel that a good sensible friend could have done much better and at far less cost, both financially and emotionally.

OC

They won't get involved even if the father is named on Birth Certificate either.

[maggie_4_7]

By the way Alan this isn't posted in Sensitive Research forum it's in Research Questions you might want to get this moved.

[HarrysMum]

Ah okay....very different from the Salvos here then. I have seen their results here with friends a few times and they are very good.

That's a pity you have no good agency there.

In that case......good luck again, Allan.

[Olde Crone]

Libby

Lots of accredited agencies here in the UK but they are extremely expensive and my recent experience is that some of the "best" ones are in fact worse than useless and create untold distress to innocent people.

*Is Allan still asleep? Surely not*

OC

[garstonite]

thank you all - sound advice ...she doesn`t know where her dad lives - only his name ....common sense tells me to basically not get involved - I will tell her that no-one can help if the father hasn`t given consent to a meeting and as we don`t know where he lives , we can`t contact him - does that seem the sensible thing to do ??

[Asa]

Garstonite, having done it myself I'd advise her to contact her local Social Services who will have a social worker to deal with it. I wouldn't use agencies or charities. The social worker will give you a counselling session (about 10 minutes from memory), you apply for your adoption records if you don't have them, wait a while, have another 10 minutes chat and get your file. They'll then offer to act as an intermediary and will write a letter.

[Olde Crone]

Asa

I think you'll find that social services don't offer this service anymore, they outsource it to one of the agencies. I may be wrong!

Allan, unless you are prepared to act as intermediary (and take the flak if it all goes wrong) then I would step away from this. However, there will be other people ready to help her who do not care about the consequences and that is a big worry. (I have actually seen on one site the advice to "go and bang on his door and embarrass him, serve the B right". OK if you just want vengeance, not ok if you want to forge a relationship.

OC

[Asa]

I'm not sure if they all have, OC but yes I know this happens now - I'd still advise going through SS as it works the same. Far better to use a professional intermediary than a friend imo if you don't want to do it yourself.

[Merry]

I'd be worrying she might find the wrong man if all she knows is his name. I'd say keep out of it and point her to the proper channels, as others have said:

https://www.gov.uk/adoption-records/accessing-your-birth-records

[JBee]

There used to be the Post Adoption Service that would act as an intermediary.

Agree with OC - you could get the brunt of any adverse reaction from bf. For every good result there must be many that turn out badly with repercussions. She must be warned and advised by an appropriate agency possibly even her adoption agency.

She may not like what she finds either and may come to bitterly regret her decision to find him.

He may be married and his family might not take kindly to any intrusion into their lives especially children or an only child who may ask why is she making this trouble and what does she want out of it?

[Olde Crone]

Asa - I've pm-ed you with details of the recent disastrous outcome of using a professional agency! However I concede they can't all be so unprofessional.

I have a friend who has a (grown up) son. He knows who his father is and indeed, they have a relationship. The father is a piece of undiluted rubbish in my opinion, but there you go. He has fathered an unknown number of children, some of whom he acknowledges (but has never supported financially).

Friend's son was at his father's house when the phone rang. It was a young woman who said she was his daughter. Daddy said "F off, I can't even remember your mother, the s*". This girl has actually had a lucky escape but of course I bet she's laid somewhere sobbing her heart out. Also, son is a bit worried that he has a half sister in the area and doesn't know who she is.

OC

[tenterfieldjulie]

Allan said in his first post that the father doesn't know that she exists. Unless it is done through a professional organisation the father may think that she is just a con/scam.

[Asa]

I'm guessing either the biological mother has told her who the father is or he's on the birth certificate/ in adoption files and in which case would know. If the info is from the biological mother., it should be fairly straightforward to identify him.

Obviously everything needs to be done with as much thought, care and subtlety as possible. Things haven't always worked out for me but I don't regret making contact all the same.

[garstonite]

Yes Asa - when she visited her real mother and 3 half siblings - her mother told her her real fathers name - she was rather disgusted with her mother who lit up a "Spliff " in front of her children whilst they spoke ...she went once more to see her mother - but broke all ties after that and has no intention of seeing her again ....
I think I will tell her I can`t help her - it`s as simple as that
thank you all for your honest opinions ....
allan

[JessBow]

She is, of course, dependant on her B mother a) remembering and b) telling the truth.

Like Asa said, contact the local county council post adoption team and seek their advice.

[garstonite]

Thanks Jess- I will tell her what you have said , and let her decide
cheers
allan