DNA When is a father a father?

[chiddicks]

This is something close to my heart and a sensitive subject, but I thought it is worthy of discussion and thought. therefore I have written a blog regarding the subject.

When is a Father a Father? https://chiddicksfamilytree.wordpress.com/2017/11/26/when-is-a-father-a-father

[Anstey Nomad]

Afather provides the sperm, a Dad does all the rest, from picking you up from Brownies to walking you down the aisle.

[James18]

I accept that I can not really understand this as I am not adopted, but I don't understand why a lot of people are so fascinated with finding their birth parents. I realize that there are numerous reasons why a child may be given up for adoption, but ultimately if that happens then your parents have given up on you. Why would you want a relationship with someone who has done that? What about the feelings of the family who have treated you as their own for so many years, and given you everything they could?

As I say, I appreciate that my viewpoint is as someone who hasn't had to go through this, and so of course the 'well you wouldn't understand' argument can be used, but in the short time I've been doing genealogy I've come across a few people trying to trace a biological parent, and - perhaps aside from genuine curiosity - I've never been able to empathize with them.

So in that sense, Anstey is right, and far more concise!

[Olde Crone]

James

In the majority of adoption cases that I know about (quite a few now) the mother has NOT given up on the child, she had no alternative but to relinquish her child and many historic adoptions were forced or even fraudulent.

OC

[James18]

Yes, I can certainly imagine that being the case, OC. I was moreso referring to cases in which it has been done voluntarily, with respect to the emotional insecurity stemming from 'well you didn't want me then, so why should I want you now?'

[Olde Crone]

Of course, the adoptee will never know whether they were "thrown away" or were desperately loved and wanted unless they seek out their birth parents!

OC

[Terri]

Any man can be a father - it takes a biological second for sperm and egg to get together. Being a dad is whole lot more complicated and lasts a lifetime.

[Kit]

Well written Chiddicks.

James with adoption even voluntarily doesn't necessarily mean voluntarily. Many mothers were pressured into it but you would not know that until you spoke to her. Same goes for the father - what was his role/thoughts/feelings?

From the real life cases I know about the parents did not want to give up the baby or in the case of the father I doubt even knew there was a baby. In this age of DNA testing there could well be quite a few surprises.

[524919]

I do not speak for all adoptees but my situation is fairly common. I have a wonderful adoptive family and we are as close, loving and dysfunctional as any other family unit. It does not matter how good that relationship is, many adoptees will always feel conflicted about who they are and who they would have been. For your parents to not want you then, and to not want you still, just plain hurts. For those who were given up unwillingly there is all the potential of what could have been. Most adoptees are not seeking their ‘real’ family but just cannot leave such a big question unanswered. You cannot apply the rational logic of ‘just move on’ to a trauma that was experienced by a child and which continues to affect a person throughout their life. They may seem small things but growing up never looking like anyone or sharing any aptitude or personality traits - it drip drips everyday and undermines your sense of belonging even in your own home and family. Plus there is the lack of a medical history and the separation from your heritage and family tree (I’ve done pretty well with mine but there are some brick walls that I’ll never be able to solve without family info).

I feel terribly guilty about the twinges I associate with being adopted because I am so lucky. It’s a bit of a tricky and confusing mess for everyone involved. I’m off to tell my Mum again how much I love her…

Hope that helps explain it a bit.

[Asa]

I'd say you've explained it very well :)

I do not speak for all adoptees but my situation is fairly common. I have a wonderful adoptive family and we are as close, loving and dysfunctional as any other family unit. It does not matter how good that relationship is, many adoptees will always feel conflicted about who they are and who they would have been. For your parents to not want you then, and to not want you still, just plain hurts. For those who were given up unwillingly there is all the potential of what could have been. Most adoptees are not seeking their ‘real’ family but just cannot leave such a big question unanswered. You cannot apply the rational logic of ‘just move on’ to a trauma that was experienced by a child and which continues to affect a person throughout their life. They may seem small things but growing up never looking like anyone or sharing any aptitude or personality traits - it drip drips everyday and undermines your sense of belonging even in your own home and family. Plus there is the lack of a medical history and the separation from your heritage and family tree (I’ve done pretty well with mine but there are some brick walls that I’ll never be able to solve without family info).

I feel terribly guilty about the twinges I associate with being adopted because I am so lucky. It’s a bit of a tricky and confusing mess for everyone involved. I’m off to tell my Mum again how much I love her…

Hope that helps explain it a bit.

[Olde Crone]

For those adoptees who feel their birth parents just didn't want them, ask yourself why there are so very few adoptions nowadays and even fewer of those are newborn adoptions.

OC

[Asa]

I think adoptees are very aware of that, OC

[Nell]

An interesting topic.
I was at college with two girls who had been adopted. One was desperate to find her birth family, I think because her adoptive parents were not very kind to her. The other had a lovely adoptive Mum and was not bothered. Though I was always intrigued as she had a cousin through the adoptive family who looked so like her people thought they were brother and sister!

I recommend Mark Steel's "Who Do I Think I Am?", which is sometimes repeated on radio 4/radio 4 extra. I was lucky enough to go to the show it was based on. He's a left-wing comedian with an interest in history, but wasn't interested in his own history until he had a child of his own. He then thought for the first time about how his birth mother might have felt and eventually traced her after many stops and starts. She was living abroad and they never met, but he did meet her sisters and brothers and also his biological father. Turns out his mother was a left-wing Scot who supported the Palestinians and his father was an Egyptian Jew!
What I liked was how Mark sounded perfectly contented and indeed had some lovely natural anecdotes about his adoptive parents - his father sounded rather like mine, leaving you alone while he went off for a few pints!

[maggie_4_7]

Afather provides the sperm, a Dad does all the rest, from picking you up from Brownies to walking you down the aisle.

That is it exactly.

My father is my father but not my dad and my father is my half sister's father and dad.